Examples of judgment (37)
Date:August 14, 1948
Testimony by sister H. G.
In my youth I considered Christianity to be a cultural invasion by the Western world. At the age of sixteen I went to Shanghai to study and began to attend the Apostolic Faith Church. There I saw many people healed of their sicknesses, and demons were cast out. I began to believe in the Lord Jesus. In 1925 I was baptized, but I did not know that I was saved. After I believed in the Lord, I immediately went to the streets to pass out gospel tracts. That was the happiest thing I had done in my life. I also enjoyed visiting various places and listening to different preachings. Later I went to Wen-teh Lane, Hardoon Road, in Shanghai and attended meetings there. Spiritual things became real to me, and I stopped going to other places. I also saw that denominationalism is wrong. After I met Sister Peace Wang, I became clear concerning the matter of the breaking of bread for the remembrance of the Lord. Once in my prayer, the Lord rebuked me for loving the world. Although I said in my prayer that I did not love the world, I still loved it in my heart. I had beautiful clothes in my room which I could not give up. I prayed to the Lord to deliver me from the love for beautiful clothing. He was merciful to me and heard my prayer. I was able to free myself from it. Now I am no longer bothered by such things.
Once, I read in Acts 9 about God’s selection of His own vessels. The words of that chapter suddenly enlarged before my eyes. It seemed as if the Lord had chosen me. Yet I was not willing to answer His choosing. I was afraid, and I told Him, “I am satisfied to be an ordinary believer. I do not want to be a preacher.” Once, I passed through a trial. I was wrongly accused and condemned. From that time forward, God began to strip me. He dealt with my playing of the piano and my love for food. Last summer I became weak, and by fall I was laid up in bed. As I lay on my bed one day, I realized that everything was vanity. I began to let go of everything, and I was willing to go along with the discipline of the Spirit. I dropped all my spiritual plans and told God, “If You want me to be weak, I am willing to be weak.” After that I was at peace. At that time I felt that I could never be one with God, but now I believe that I will be one with Him one day.
After resting on my bed for a few months, I heard that there was going to be a special conference on April 9 of this year. I wrote to Brother Nee and told him that I would get out of bed to attend this conference. I told him, “I will be the first one to hand myself over.” That night I was so overjoyed that I could not sleep. After that I continued to attend meetings until I came to the mountain. On the mountain I saw that I have none of the things that I should have, and I am full of all the things that I should not have. I am extremely sad. I have shed more tears during the past two weeks than in my entire life. One day as I was praying, I saw my failures as well as the failures of the brothers and sisters and the church. I became very sad. In my fellowship with the Lord, I heard one word: “God has put Christ in the church. The church is the only vessel that expresses Christ.” When I saw this, my tears began to dry up. Man can fail, but the church can never fail.
Brother Nee’s comment
Our sister is on the right track. God wants us to know who is doing all the work. Today there are many mixtures in the Lord’s work, and sometimes we cannot tell which work is of the Lord. God Himself wants to do all the work. Only then will He get all the results and glory. Whoever does the work will get the glory. God cannot say, “It is My work, yet the glory goes to you.” This is like one fighting the battle, while another receives the medal. This is not possible. God is just as jealous for His work as He is for His glory. Any possibility of misunderstanding in the work will produce a possibility of misunderstanding in glory. Unless God does all the work, He cannot get all the glory. God does not allow a little of man’s hand in His own work. Therefore, He has to bring us to the point where His work has nothing more to do with you and me.
We must learn to see that no work belongs to us. Once we relax, we become proud and give glory to ourselves. In the Lord’s work, all artificial props have to go. They have to fall so utterly that we do not have any strength to even lift a finger. A brother once said, “I have to ask the Lord to cleanse with His blood the tears which I shed for my sins.” This shows us that even our tears for sins can be impure in nature.
Before a man has fallen completely, the Lord cannot have a way through him. A Christian must have clear knowledge and discernment about one thing: Who is doing the work? If we are not careful, we will end up being the one who does the work, and we will become proud. The cross in 2 Corinthians 13 has to do with weakness. In His work God requires that we become weak with Christ. We have to be so weakened that we could not be proud even if we tried. It is a good sign when God’s children are led to such weakness. It is good when they cannot even stand up on their own. If the wound a man suffers is deep enough, he will not need to try to remember anything; the Holy Spirit will remind him. If we still need the help of our memory in practicing such things as humility, patience, and obedience, it proves that the dealings we have received are not adequate. If we need to exercise our memory to remember to love, that love is not reliable. If we need to exercise our memory to remember to be patient, that patience is not reliable. If we need our memory for our humility, that humility is not reliable as well. Peter became so fallen and defeated that he dared not even confess his love for the Lord. He had no confidence in anything. When the Lord tested him, he failed completely. His fall was genuine. His stubbornness, confidence, and everything fell. He became truly weak. Such a weakness is kept in the memory of the Holy Spirit; Peter no longer had to rely on his own memory. A big wound was there. He had truly become weak. His fall was a fall of his very life. After this he could only work by the Holy Spirit. Not even an ounce of energy could come from him; from that point forward, every work belonged to the Lord.
We have to be so weakened in the work that no one will be confused as to who is working. Even if the work is very small, it will be apparent to everyone that this work is of the Lord. We will no longer have the slightest thought that we are doing the work. We have to be enlightened by the Lord to see our total uselessness and to see that not even the slightest work originates from us. We have to acknowledge wholeheartedly, “I am like a dead dog in the Lord’s work.” The principle of work is the principle of death and resurrection. Without death there is no resurrection. Man always wants the Lord to make up his lack. But this principle is basically wrong. The Lord’s principle is first death, then resurrection. We have to know that we are dead already and that we need the Lord to resurrect us. Resurrection comes only when we see our utter uselessness. Only then will we give glory to God. When this happens, humility will be a spontaneous thing. If our humility is something that we can forget, it proves that there is still self effort in our humility and that we have not fallen enough. The goal of humility is that we give all the glory to God. We must forever be conscious that we are totally useless.
Our sister has to pay attention to another thing: Your prayer must be like your speaking, which means that the words must match the spirit. This is different from what I said about the other brother. With him, his speaking should be the same as his prayer. With you, your prayer should be as restricted as your speaking. When we speak, we know how to restrict ourselves; we know how to hold ourselves back. You should learn to hold back yourself in prayer and to be restricted. If you do, you will touch reality, and you will touch something powerful in your prayer. Your spirit will match your word. I believe the Lord will be gracious to you.