Examples of judgment (54)

  Date:September 6, 1948

Testimony by brother L. D.

  I was born into a Christian family. My father was a deacon in a denomination. My mother often told me Bible stories. I was nurtured in a good way in my family. By nature I am a timid person, and from my youth I was afraid of hell. When I was twelve, my father passed away. I fainted, and my mother comforted me. When I grew up, I went into business and lost money many times. I was mocked and criticized by my colleagues. I had insomnia for a few months and tried to kill myself a few times. My love for my family stopped me from taking my own life. My cousin introduced me to Brother Nee’s magazine The Christian. I received much help from it and was actually saved through it. After I was saved, I came to know more about the truth and had the assurance of salvation. I know that no one loves me in this world like the Lord does. His love constrains me, and I have consecrated myself to Him. I began to have a burden for the gospel.

  In 1941 I was a teacher in a commercial school. The principal of the school considered me quite highly. After working there for five years, I was given the highest position in the school. I also received spiritual profit through my spiritual pursuit during this period. I became proud on account of my few good works. For years I had been learning to serve in the church, but I was dry spiritually. I was up and down all the time, living a vacillating life. When I saw others loving the Lord and found myself not being able to do the same, I felt condemned. One day a brother fellowshipped with me, and I was revived. For a year I rose up every morning before daybreak to read the Bible and to pray. I experienced victory during this time. However, this fed my pride once again. The Lord allowed me to fail again. This time the fall was too great; I no longer could stand up. In 1945 a brother visited me, and I was revived once again. In the winter of 1947 I returned to Swatow and received some help. I had the strong intention then of dropping everything to serve the Lord. God showed me something through a dream. I saw all of my relatives coming to my funeral, and I was on my way to my grave. I told them, “Either you separate yourselves from me, or you will have to take the same way I have taken.”

  At the end of March 1948, I received a letter from Brother Witness inviting me to come to stay for a short time in Shanghai and to attend the national co-workers’ fellowship. Brother Nee also agreed to let me come. I arrived in Shanghai, and the brothers arranged for me to be a learner in the service through taking a secular job. I was not happy about this. In my fellowship with Brother Witness Lee, I was told that I was unfit, and I knew that I was unfit. Later I left to join my uncle in Nanking, but I was still troubled. Now Brother Nee has agreed to let me come to the mountain to be trained. However, I was told that I should not consider myself part of the work. I feel bad about this. I am confused, and I am not able to touch God. I know that I am wrong in many things. I do not know how to pray. I feel that I am lazy, yet I cannot quite fall down. I am facing a crossroads. I do not know what I should do. Although I have experienced many dealings from the Lord, I have not learned many spiritual lessons. I am a very emotional person. I love the brothers and sisters very much, but now even my emotion has no taste for anything. As my emotion cools down, my love for the Lord cools down as well. However, I must say that this love for the Lord is still within me.

Brother Nee’s comment

  Indeed, our brother’s problem is his emotion. He is bound by his emotion. Anyone who is bound by his emotion will feel happy when his emotion is up. Our brother is bound by his emotion, yet he is suffering. He said that he was deeply affected by his environment when he was young. I would like our brother to see that the world does not have the time to ridicule you constantly. It does not sit idly by and pick on you constantly. It is your thought that tells you others are paying too much attention to you. In reality, no one may have paid that much attention to you. We often are too self-centered. In actuality no one has the time to try to purposely despise you. Others may have ignored you, but they may not have been despising, disdaining, or mocking you. The truth is that others do not have that much time and energy to pay attention to you. You may have certain feelings about how others treat you. But others may not be paying attention to you at all. You think too highly of yourself. You are too self-centered. You are so concerned about the attention of others that a martyr’s complex has developed in you. Many people have a martyr’s complex, and it is wrong. In following the Lord, we can never be bound by our emotion. We have to be decisive about many things. We cannot be concerned about so many things and be bound by them. If we are bound by many small matters, our time will be wasted on these things. We will not be strong, and our way will not be straight. Those who are constantly on the defensive about themselves cannot run the race properly.

  When you were in Shanghai, I fellowshipped with Brother Witness Lee about your desire to serve full-time. We were concerned that you do not know what it means to serve the Lord. You do not know how high the sky above you is or how thick the earth below you is. This is the reason you should wait for a while and learn your lesson through taking a secular job in Shanghai. This would work out to your benefit. Later I allowed you to come to the mountain because I did not want you suffer too much shock and thus be stumbled. I granted your request to come because we wanted you to receive the help. But I did not grant your request to serve the Lord full-time. Man does not enter God’s work lightly. However, if a man is not given the chance to work, how can he serve the Lord? I feel that our brother will eventually end up serving the Lord. A believer serves because there is a serving life within him. No matter what his pathway turns out to be, he will always end up serving the Lord.

  Every Christian has a certain sustaining power which carries him through his present life. For example, a person who loves his mother derives much of his meaning of existence from his mother. The strength behind his life is his beloved mother. If one day his mother no longer loves him or if she dies, he will lose all interest in life. The driving force behind some people is money; it is their sole interest in life. When they have much money, they find interest in everything they do. When they lose their money, they lose interest in the human life. Money is the driving force behind their life. Every person has something to interest and attract him in his human life. He has to maintain this motivating force and the power of attraction because it is the meaning and essence of his human life. Some consider their intellectual activity to be the essence of their human life. The driving force behind Brother Sun is his emotion. If he cannot get what he wants, he shrivels away. He likes to work. As long as he can work, he will live. His work is based on his love of work. If this love is taken away from him, his emotion is taken away, and he no longer will be able to live the Christian life.

  A Christian should have the Holy Spirit as the driving force behind his life. Emotions can shrivel away, but we still have to live the Christian life. It is wrong for our brother to be driven by his interest in his work. We cannot live by our emotion. It is wrong even to borrow the appeal of the emotion for spiritual things. In our service to the Lord we must not be influenced by the old man. The driving force behind our life must come from the interest we derive from the Holy Spirit. Your self-centeredness has to be destroyed. The power of your emotion has to be abandoned. You have to reject your emotion. You have no more time to take care of your emotion. You have to dismantle everything that is related to your emotion. Whether you feel happy or unhappy, poor or rich, you should ignore your feelings. As a Christian you have to act decisively. Nothing should be a problem to you. A believer must learn to ignore his feelings as well as his anxiety for a lack of feelings.

  You said that you have been confused and stunned after coming to Kuling. Actually, you are not confused and stunned enough. If you could be genuinely confused and stunned during this period of time on the mountain, it would be wonderful indeed. You will be blessed if you become completely ignorant of everything. You will be blessed if you become too weak to stand up any longer. There is a difference between jumping down and falling down. When a person jumps down, he is conscious of what he is doing; it is a conscious choice. But when a person falls down, he does it unconsciously; he has no choice. When your fall becomes genuine, you will commit everything fully into God’s hand. You will say to the Lord, “I commit everything to Your hand. I do not know what to do anymore.” Then the Lord will begin His work on you. The Lord does not tear down for the sake of tearing down; He tears down for the sake of building up. All the tearing down of the Lord is for the purpose of resurrection. The Lord does not want you merely to die, but to pass from death to life. A person who has genuinely fallen does not need to know about his fall. All you have to do is tell the Lord that you cannot make it, and the Lord will do the rest.

  Our brother has to be more natural in his speaking. There are many reasons for speaking in an unnatural way, such as fear, concerns, pretensions, unfamiliarity, etc. When you are unnatural, the spirit is choked. Therefore, we have to reject all fear, concerns, and pretensions.

  The spiritual pathway is a long one, and spiritual responsibility is a heavy one. We cannot retreat, and we cannot lurch ahead. We can only look to the Lord for His leading and grace that we would learn our lessons. Many young people think that the Lord’s work is easy and simple. Such ones are in darkness. The Lord will only use those who wait in fear and trembling. The more a person considers the work to be a simple task, the less he will be used by God.